‘50 Things You May Not Know About Bas Rutten’ (Paul Lazenby)

50 THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT BAS ‘EL GUAPO’ RUTTEN

Inspired by the ‘Chuck Norris’ lists that have been popping up everywhere, Paul Lazenby decided to throw this one together about Bas Rutten. These are hilarious – check them out over on his blog http://www.paullazenby.com/ , I’m not trying to take any credit for this, just chucking it around because they’re brilliant! I’m a massive fan of Bas Rutten and if you like things that are violent, funny or both at the same time then you probably are too!
 
1. Bas Rutten was once diagnosed with terminal cancer. The cancer is still recovering.

2. The least-aggressive of Bas Rutten’s daughters is still tougher than your pit bull.

3. Bas Rutten didn’t go bald, he evolved for better aerodynamics on his headbutts.

4. Reason #76 why the "Bas Rutten Lethal Street Fighting" DVD rules: It contains a sentence that begins, "If you were to choke a baby…"

5. White dog turds come from dogs who suspect that Bas Rutten is thinking about kicking them.

6. Bas Rutten is responsible for more ruined livers than the entire worldwide membership of AA.
7. "Dangada-dangada-dang" is an actual Dutch phrase meaning "Get your affairs in order".

8. Bas Rutten’s kicks are the official Phase Two of Tokyo’s "Godzilla Defense Plan".

9. After Bas Rutten has a nightmare, it needs counseling to get over its fear of being dreamed by him again.

10. Bas Rutten is the only man on the planet capable of kicking water uphill.

11. The pressure sensor that Bas Rutten kicked on the "Fight Science" TV show is still huddled in a corner and crying.

12. Bas Rutten’s punch is like a delayed-action Ninja Death Touch. Except that he uses all five fingers, and it works right away.

13. In 1997, the Geneva Convention prohibited the use of Bas Rutten’s palm strikes as a weapon of war.

14. Bas Rutten was once fired from a job as a hostage negotiator. In his defense, nobody told him that kicking people in the face was not an approved negotiating technique.

15. Michael Vick once returned a DVD of Bas Rutten’s Greatest Knockouts, complaining that it was "too brutal".

16. Bas Rutten was once bitten by a venomous cobra. It died of testosterone poisoning.

17. Bas Rutten has frequently considered committing suicide. But in every case, it was somebody else’s.

18. Most medical insurance plans classify a Bas Rutten kick to the groin as "gender reassignment surgery".

19. Bas Rutten’s only reason for becoming a chef was to learn even more things to do to a liver.

20. Australian beaches have a special alarm to warn the sharks when Bas Rutten is swimming.

21. Twenty percent of all faces on milk cartons belong to people who were rude to Bas Rutten’s wife.

22. Albino gorillas are actually normal ones that Bas Rutten glanced at with an angry expression.

23. People who bullied Bas Rutten during his childhood are divided into two groups: Group A doesn’t sleep at night. Group B sleeps forever.

24. Bas Rutten taught Hannibal Lecter everything he knows about liver.

25. Bas Rutten once smoked a cigarette and gave it cancer.

26. Bas Rutten keeps several handguns in his house. He gives them to home invaders in order to make it a fair fight.

27. I once tore my bicep punching Bas Rutten in the liver, proving that his favourite techniques are so deadly that they even hurt you when you use them on him.

28. Bas Rutten could get your girlfriend pregnant from across the street while wearing hip waders and a condom.

29. Bas Rutten can kick a football so hard that whoever ate the pig it came from dies.

30. Bas Rutten’s testicles are so dense that the American Astronomical Society has officially classified them as black holes.

31. Every time Bas Rutten punches a liver, a pedophile gets hepatitis.

32. When Bas Rutten goes to the zoo, the lions double-check that their cages are locked.

33. Bas Rutten gets monthly residual cheques from wheelchair manufacturers.

34. Before every one of Bas Rutten’s fights, the arena had to be re-zoned as a slaughterhouse.

35. Bas Rutten can put his hands behind his head and play "The Sabre Dance" on a xylophone with his penis.

36. Bas Rutten has hospitalized more Asian people than SARS.

37. Bas Rutten’s knee strikes were on the list of WMDs that the American military was looking for in Iraq.

38. Bas Rutten is so manly that he once lost a job as a department-store Santa Claus when every child who sat on his knee walked away with a five o’clock shadow.

39. Steven Seagal learned the front kick from watching Bas Rutten videos.

40. Every night at bedtime, Osama Bin Laden phones his mommy for reassurance that Bas Rutten is not hiding under his bed.

41. Bas Rutten Underoos have a special pocket for condoms and bail money.

42. According to international law, "El Guapo Likes To Dance" is the official national anthem of whatever country Bas Rutten happens to be in.

43. Bas Rutten invented "The o2 Trainer", a device that helps people to breathe, which is kind of ironic coming from a guy who’s helped so many people to stop.

44. Bas Rutten hasn’t lost a street fight since he was four years old, and that one probably doesn’t count since it was a five-on-one ambush outside his baby-momma’s house while he was drunk.

45. Every year, Belgians celebrate the day that Bas Rutten moved to the USA and Belgium stopped having to give Holland its lunch money.

46. Chuck Norris has an ongoing argument with The Most Interesting Man In The World over which one of them is more like Bas Rutten.

47. Bas Rutten once broke somebody’s nose with a Retweet.

48. Bas Rutten’s clean urine is on the CSAC’s "Banned Substances" list (sorry, Machida!).

49. Bas Rutten is the reason that the Grim Reaper still uses a nightlight.

50. Bas Rutten has won fights by head kick, leg kick, palm strike, knee strike, punch inna face, and of course liver shot. He has also won more fights by submission than by KO/TKO or decision. No joke here, just some well-deserved verification of Bas as one of the first true mixed martial artists, and one of the greatest combat athletes of all time.