Alliterative Poetry

I believe I first saw this in Schott’s Miscellany from The Telegraph, and thought it was pretty impressive. Enjoy!

… Always avoid annoying alliteration …

An Austrian army, awfully arrayed,
Bravely by battery besieged Belgrade,
Cossack commanders, cannonading, come,
Dealing destruction’s devastating doom;
Every endeavour engineer’s essay
For fame, for fortune, forming furious fray.
Gaunt gunners grapple, giving gashes good;
Heaves high his head heroic hardihood.
Ibraham, Islam, Ismael, imps in ill,
Jostle John, Jarovlitz, Jem, Joe, Jack, Jill;
Kick kindling Kutusoff, kings’ kinsmen kill;
Labour low levels loftiest, longest lines;
Men march ‘mid moles, ‘mid mounds, ‘mid murderous mines.
Now nightfall’s nigh, now needful nature nods,
Opposed, opposing, overcoming odds.
Poor peasants, partly purchased, partly pressed,
Quite quaking, “Quarter! Quarter!” quickly quest.
Reason returns, recalls redundant rage,
Sees sinking soldiers, softens signor’s sage.
Truce, Turkey, truce! Truce, treacherous Tartar train!
Unwise, unjust, unmerciful Ukraine!
Vanish, vile vengeance! Vanish, victory vain!
Wisdom wails war wails warring words. What were
Xerxes, Xantippe, Ximenes, Xavier?
Yet Yassy’s youth, ye yield your youthful yest.
Zealously, zanies, zealously, zeal’s zest.

(Usually attributed to Alaric A Watts, 1797-1864)

Ultimate Frustration – Megavideo Edition

Hey, blog-reading-type peoples,

As I’ve mentioned before in a previous post (http://schamael.wordpress.com/2010/04/18/a-chuckle-from-a-stargate-blurb/) I am a huge fan of Stargate. No, I’m not a sci-fi freak, and I’ve never been to (or hosted) a convention. Nor do I want to. BUT I just think it’s awesome and, despite the opinions of many people whose opinions don’t matter at all, it is possibly the most epic series I have ever seen. Ever.

Anyway, on my travels across the Internet scooping up episode after episode into my mind, I have come across an entity which is the embodiment of ultimate frustration.

It is the insufferable little irk who thought this was a good idea:

NO! Just no! I disapprove with a furrowed brow of epic proportions! Honestly, this is THE biggest annoyance that the Internet has in store for us. Adverts? AdBlockPlus. Stupid Flash thingies? FlashBlock. Annoying cookie spam clogging up my system? CookieSafe. There seems to be a solution for everything, except this. Nothing works because I have a static IP address it seems. Not even VideoDownloadHelper (renamed to DownloadHelper now I think). By the way, all these things I’ve mentioned are Firefox extensions – head over to Mozilla or just Google them, they’re all good to have.

Still, it lets me get on with some work I suppose… –_-

If anyone has a solution that does actually work ALWAYS, then please leave a comment, and I will think you are awesome for the rest of time, and tell of the legendary commenter who helped the world become a better place by slaying the Demon of Megavideo and liberating its epic episodes (there’s a pun in there somewhere but I’ll leave it methinks…) from the evil clutches of the Lord of Frustration.

Ok, that was all a bit over the top but you get the idea. It’s annoying.

P.S. I thought I’d change the title to mention Megavideo because I’ll probably have more Ultimate Frustrations in the future to rant about… :D

Rules for Men

These were found and partially (not sure how much) added to by a friend of mine (Chris, he deserves a mention) on my old forum and I thought I’d share them:

1. OPENING JARS – She’s struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn’t. Jars are men’s work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE ‘SON’ – Especially policemen but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE – Beckham free kicks = camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE – Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don’t need a sharpener, I’ve got a knife…
5. GOING TO THE TIP – A manly act which combines driving, lifting and – as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish – noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP – Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let’s go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You’re hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD – in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR – Ideally it’ll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE – When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like?!
10. USING POWER TOOLS – Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE – And everyone cheers you. It doesn’t mean you’re popular, it just means your mates are drunk. However, the rest of the pub doesn’t know that.
12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT – Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
13. CARVING THE ROAST – And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
14. WINKING – Turns women to putty. Doesn’t it?
15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS – Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we’ll make do with the aisles.
16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT – Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE – Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
18. PARALLEL PARKING – Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car’s got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world’s best driver.
19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT – Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it’s over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU – Especially if you didn’t make a fuss. "Why was I off? Nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH – "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, woman?"
22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO – A visual code that says “That’s right, I’m going in there for a huge, long, man-sized poo.
23. ALWAYS LEAVE THE SEAT UP – Just to show, ‘I’m a man, and I have just been.’

Thinking about it, men are quite funny, aren’t we? So are women. Thus I conclude: humans are funny. :D

Picks of the Internet: A Collection of Amusing Links

Hi all,

Well I noticed that due to time constrictions (A levels; the bane of humanity) many of my recent posts have revolved around a single funny/random link, so I thought I would compile a little list of the others floating around in my “to write about” list. Many thanks to what is possibly my favourite Firefox addon, StumbleUpon (https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/138) which provided much of this randomness.

Bored? Look no further – amusement guaranteed:

First on the list is http://totallylookslike.com/ a pretty amusing website which is very simple in nature – pictures of stuff that looks like other stuff. For example, My Miyagi and his lookalike:

Second on the list is the kind of humour I enjoy a lot (English student’s curse I guess…) http://www.funnytypos.com/ – a collection of funny typos! (who’da thunkit?)

Here’s a good example – the ever-misused apostrophe cropping up uninvited in a Stella advert:

An animation is up next in this little compilation – It’s called Dudefalling, and here it is: http://studenthome.nku.edu/~russelljo/flash/dudefalling.swf It’s completely stupid, but also strangely entertaining. The perfect thing to put on someone’s screen when they least suspect it… :D

Next we have a video from our old friend YouTube – second in procrastination proficiency to none but Facebook perhaps – and, well see for yourself, it is actually wonderful:

The next thing I have for you is a game of sorts, well more an interactive animation really I guess. The object is to just see what happens with the various plantlike things that grow as a result of stuff you do – it’s quite fun and very well-made: http://www.box7box.com/tinygrow.html

Next up, I have something that really deserves its own post, but as I’m making this compilation I thought I’d put it in. It’s a page which is a huge jumble of .GIFs that fit together flawlessly, with intricate machinery and little men passing the little blue balls around the screen accompanied by wonderfully crazy music adding to its hecticness! Really does have to be seen to be believed, try following a single ball and see where it ends up:

http://csee.umbc.edu/~squire/blueball.htm

A whole site full of videos next on the list – it’s called http://www.wtfjapanseriously.com/ and honestly there are some of the funniest videos I have ever seen on this site. It seems to be updated pretty often too, with more randomness from the Land of the Rising Sun. Enjoy ^_^

http://www.bodycounters.com/abc.aspx is a website that is a simple table full of bodycounts from a large number of movies, from 187 to Zombieland. Often funny as well as just quite cool – another show of just how much time some people have on their hands!

Press The Spacebar 2000 is perhaps the simplest Flash game ever made, but also strangely fun. Good for parties, it can get extremely competitive: http://www.gamesolo.com/flash-game/press-the-spacebar.html

Next on the list is an image called Smoker’s Ceiling – a good advert against smoking if you want to deter a friend I guess. No idea where it came from originally, but I thought it was clever, so here it is. No disrespect or anything with this, just a witty image:

Another animation coming up in penultimate place on the list – “Play” by Dustball – another show of genius, it is a musical animation based on people banging on things, etc. It’s actually really well-made: http://uploads.ungrounded.net/221000/221483_Play.swf

Last on the list is an old wonder of the Internet, Icon’s Story. Often called Icon War, it’s, well, basically a battle between some desktop icons. I think it’s quite well-done and definitely worth a share: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/icons

Anyway, that’s enough for now. As you can tell, I’m just sticking some stuff into the blog before I actually get around to writing much, because as I said one thing I want to do with this thing is to share random awesomeness I have gathered from here, there and everywhere…

I’m sorry for providing you all with all these procrastination opportunities by the way. :/

Hong Kong Subtitle Translations

Here’s another serving of stupid amusement for you all to enjoy – amusing translations of HK subtitles!

I actually cried with laughter when I read these:

• I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
• Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
• Gun wounds again?
• Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
• A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.
• Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
• Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.
• Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
• Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.
• You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.
• I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
• You daring lousy guy.
• Beat him out of recognizable shape!
• I have been scared s**tless too much lately.
• I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!
• Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
• The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
• How can you use my intestines as a gift?
• This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
• Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
• Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

Reading these makes me want to see the movies they’re from…! XD

An Unconventional (but tasty) Cure for Tooth Pain

Hey all,

Recently I’ve been suffering from some pain from my wisdom teeth as they push their way through my gums. I’ve tried loads of different ideas, from simply eating on the other side, to eating only on the painful side (some say it helps wear away the painful inflamed gum, not sure if it’s good to do though, didn’t seem to help me much!), to Ibuprofen, to aspirin, to using Bonjela teething gel!

The problem is, Bonjela gives me stomach aches for some reason. I don’t quite understand that but never mind…

So my dad gave me an idea, and I didn’t think it’d work at first, but I tried it anyway. All he said was this:

1. Get 1 teaspoon of Scotch whiskey (the stronger the better)
2. Put it in your mouth, and tilt your head to hold the Scotch over the area that is painful for as long as you possibly can.

If all goes well, the pain should go! Mine went for around 16 hours or so when I tried this – it worked much better than anything else. If it doesn’t work then never mind – you’ve had an excuse for a drink! Well, a taste at least. :P

Amusing “English” Notices

Just like every other site that has some humour, I decided to put on some of these classic funnies:

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room:
Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig lift:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel lift:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel lift:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
On the tap in a Finnish bathroom:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop! Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today — no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

From Epic to Hilarious in seconds…

Hey all,

Here’s something I noticed one day watching Star Wars. It seems a couple of others have noticed too, but plenty hadn’t when I mentioned it. It’s a funny thing to point out to people, and they’ll wonder how they didn’t notice before:

Listen to this song – it’s called Duel of the Fates, and it’s from the Star Wars soundtrack by John Williams.

But bear this in mind, otherwise it won’t be funny – don’t read ahead until you’ve heard the song a bit (unless you know it already) because without appreciating the song’s epicicity beforehand, (and it is an awesome song) it won’t be all that funny.

Now go back to the beginning of the song, with these alternative lyrics in your mind:

“CORN ON … THE COB!”

“CORN ON … THE COBBOB!”

I guarantee you amusement ^_^

The Evil Overlord List: 100 notes for every aspiring evil overlord

This wasn’t written by me, it’s from Peter Anspach’s site: http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I’ll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero’s superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

There are other things for Evil Overlords to bear in mind, locked into Peter’s Cellblocks A and B over on the site. ^_^

A chuckle from a Stargate blurb…

Hi all,
I’m a big fan (read HUGE fan actually) of Stargate SG-1, and partly to revisit my childhood/partly for epicicity’s sake, I watch it on SurfTheChannel.
On s6, e8′s link, there was this summary/blurb which amused me:
”Three bumbling Scientists working on an off-world research project witness SG-1 being captured in a Goa’uld raid, and defying orders, two of them attempt to rescue the the SG-1 team. What they don’t know is the SG-1 staged the capture in order to infiltrate the Goa’uld, in order to make contact with a Tok’ra informant.
Can SG-1 complete their mission and also rescue the bubbling scientists?

I don’t really know why I found it so funny, but I did. Bubbling scientists? BWAHAHAHAHAAAA…!